Well, it's been over two months since I made my first (and only) post on this blog, so I figured it was time I sat myself down and made myself write something. It isn't that I haven't had plenty of things to write about. I'm just the word's worst (or maybe that should be BEST) procrastinator. If something can be put off forever - I'll do it! I've considered many times in these last two plus months coming back here and making a post about the mundane things in my life that are taking place on any given day. But something always stops me - or makes me change my mind. LOL That's just how I am. I procrastinate.
The last time I was here, it was the day before my 58th birthday...a day which passed fairly uneventfully which, I suppose, is a good thing. Considering the things that COULD have happened at my age, I'm happy to be able to say that. *G*
Since that time, I have had MAJOR eye surgery to remove the macula in my right eye (to be explained another time) and my husband has had gastric bypass surgery (at the beginning of March - also to be discussed another time) and we're both recuperating from those surgeries.
Also, since that time, I have become much busier with the work I do. I am a work-from-home medical transcriptionist and my job is very interesting - although can be VERY stressful, at times. The work tends to be seasonally sporadic. In the summertime, things tend to slow waaaaaay down and since my paycheck depends on the amount of work I get done in any two-week period of time, summers tend to be a bit more difficult to get through monetarily. Things, historically, have picked back up in the fall and winter (due to the docs taking fewer vacations during that time, I suppose) and finances turn around, for the most part.
And then there is the economic downturn of 2008/2009!!!!!!
We're all feeling the crunch in these tough economic times and I'm no exception. Things have gotten much busier for me, but it's almost to the point of me not being able to keep up with all the work I have to do...and that's not such a good thing either. If we don't get the work back to the client on time, the client can take advantage of a contractual clause that allows them to discount their payment to the company. Hence, the stress increases many times over when we're busier than normal. *ugh*
I do my best to keep up with the workload, but it's not always possible. Sometimes you just have to say - ENOUGH! I reached my zenith this past week and finally turned down work that was offered to me (24 Discharge Summaries from a local hospital which they couldn't get typed in the usual amount of time). This is the first time I have ever turned down work that was offered me. *frown* I hate the way it makes me feel - like I'm not good enough. :^(
Which brings me to the next thought in my head. I tend to be a perfectionist. Have been all my life. Not sure when it started...or why...it's just always been a part of me. And, unfortunately, I think I passed that trait on to my darling, perfect daughter. *sigh* She's the light of my life and I couldn't love her more than I do. I just wish I hadn't influenced so many things in her life. Some of it's genetic and I had no control over it - our fingernails grow up instead of down - we both have fair skin and terminal freckles - we're both prone to put on weight too easily and be rounder through the middle (the so-called apple shape, which is likely to cause more heart attacks), and we both look like my mother. Those are all things over which I had no control. They came with the gene package when she was conceived.
The perfectionism, however, is a learned trait and I guess the whole time I was busy being "Miss Perfect", my daughter was busy modeling my behavior. It makes for a much more stressful existence. I'm sure there are plenty of you Type A's out there who understand what I'm talking about. You are your own worst enemy, too. Nothing (read "I") is ever good enough! Can't do enough! Can't do it well enough! Can't ever be good enough!
Don't get me wrong. There are some good things about striving to be perfect...it makes you work hard while you're in school; it gives you motivation to achieve your goals. Other people like you because you are so accommodating and helpful and giving and...well, you probably get the picture. You strive to be everything to everyone.
The downside of that is (and I can't stress this enough) - YOU CAN'T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE!! You wear yourself out always trying to please other people. This kind of behavior actually ended up with me having a mini "breakdown" of sorts when I turned 30. That was a very bad time in my life. I was a young wife and mom, working to make ends meet from paycheck to paycheck, and not doing a very good job of it. I was FAILING to be perfect!!!! I was already stressing about giving up my 20s and turning the "BIG 3-0", when we got the news that my mom had died suddenly and unexpectedly. That sent me into a funk that took me months to get out of. Many people were telling me I had to pull myself out of it. That didn't help. I KNEW I was letting everyone down...because I wasn't the perfect person they expected me to be anymore. I just couldn't turn myself around. I was tired...tired of trying so hard...tired of working so hard to be what I thought others expected me to be. I had had enough! So, I withdrew inside myself for quite a while.
Suffice it to say, I eventually did come out the other side of that depression and "breakdown" and things got better - but it took me a long, long time to realize I didn't need to try to be perfect - because it just could NEVER happen. Nobody's perfect, no matter how hard they try to be...and I certainly wasn't going to be an exception to that rule.
The funny thing is...ever since I accepted that fact, life became a little easier for me to live. *smile* I still have my "moments" when I'm just not good enough, but they are fewer and farther between now and I don't stress out over them quite as much as I used to. *smile* It is what it is! Life goes on, and so do I. *smile*
Somebody said something to me a long, long time ago at a time in my life when I was at a very low point...feeling suicidal...and I just wanted to give up my life.
"Let go and let God."
Those words have echoed in my head so many times in the decades since that simple statement was spoken to me. Now, when I find myself feeling very low and very helpless or wanting to give in to self pity, that thought will come into my head and I KNOW it's there to help me. I find it is so much easier to turn things around when I give my stress up to God.
Around the same time that friend said that to me, I first saw the poem "Footprints In The Sand" by Mary Stevenson, and it touched my heart. If you have a higher power in your life, rely on your higher power to guide you through all the darkest times in your life. If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ, then maybe this poem will have meaning in your life, too. Herewith, the poem that has left an indelible mark on my heart and soul:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
have you not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you." [Mary Stevenson 1936]
Y'know...when I sit down at this keyboard to type on this blog...it never turns out to be what I sat down to type! LOL I had no intention of putting any of these thoughts out here today. it's odd...how things just...happen. :^)
One final thought for today...
If you have perfectionists in your life...or if you ARE one...be kind to them. They are working VERY hard to keep all the balls in the air and the slightest distraction can pull their focus away from that task...and all the balls will come crashing down on them!!! I know...I've been there, done that...and I wouldn't wish that on anybody..not even my worst enemy.
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